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Beloved English professor, author, and longtime administrator Coleen Grissom is returning as dean of students, �԰����� President Danny Anderson announced today.

Grissom, who had previously planned to retire, was originally promoted to dean of students in 1972, eventually shifting to a full-time member of the English faculty in 2001, where she has served up to the present day.

But the prospect of retirement, Grissom says, is not all it’s cracked up to be.

“I sleep at night. I go home to the Hill Country, and I don’t have to come back for the weekends. I can have a drink and not leave the house. I have a life outside of the campus,” Grissom says. “It’s miserable.”

With Grissom staving off retirement by taking back the dean of students job, current dean David Tuttle will assume a new position, “Assistant to the Dean of Students.” Tuttle, who has graciously accepted his new position with “no hard feelings,” warned Grissom that modern life as �԰�����’s dean of students presents a whole new world of challenges and limitations.

“In this job, you’ll have influence, but no power,” Tuttle said at a hastily called meeting between the two. “I don’t know who’s in charge any more, me or the students.”

“Well, how did that happen?” Grissom replied. “I left this job as an all-powerful dean.”

“Well, you were all-powerful,” Tuttle explained. “But that was before social media.”

In her administrative heydey, Grissom was perhaps best known for her pioneering policy decisions. She discontinued the unpopular practice of the University sending letters to parents rating their daughters on such qualities as popularity, frequency of dating, study habits, housekeeping, and relationship to the University. Grissom also relaxed sign-in and sign-out procedures and ended regulations that stipulated "acceptable attire" for women students on the upper campus, effectively dropping the female “dress code.”

While Grissom has yet to confirm or deny any new policy decisions, she has provided a series of proposals to University leadership, meant to recreate as much of the campus atmosphere as possible from her previous stint as a dean.

1. The University will be reinstating an 8:30 p.m. curfew for all students.
2. Residential life will be hiring a number of Parental Residence Counselors. These PRCs, or “dorm parents,” will be financed by an additional student fee for violators of the previous policy and will provide additional support for students, alongside existing RAs.
3. �԰����� will re-open the former Campus Bar inside Coates Student Center.
4. By popular demand, Greek Life will be resurrecting Sing Song.
5. In order to accommodate Grissom’s two poodles, �԰�����’s campus will shift towards a dog-friendly atmosphere, welcoming canines of all shapes and sizes into residence halls, classrooms, and green spaces. The University will be summarily discontinuing the CAT Alliance in pursuit of this higher priority.

Grissom welcomes those with questions and concerns to adopt her life motto: ”Deal with it.”

“I’m back like a plague!” Grissom says excitedly.